happy doesn't always feel good

warning: this is deep...

but really real.

I've had a lot on my mind lately...any statement beginning with those words are sure to be a variety of things, at times mixed together, not necessarily related, which sometimes leads to other things, so on and so forth. Did that make any sense? Okay good, you get my point.

I've been back in NZ since Sunday, last week I was in California attending a celebration of life for my Grandfather Dan who passed away. It still feels really raw typing, "passed away," and I refuse to say the "F" word. No, I'm not talking about the four letter "F-word" in this case. To be 100% honest since I've been back I've felt really happy. Which is why I'm choosing to include this post with the "Marvelous in My Monday" posts because yes it's heavy but this is life, this is real.

My grandfather's passing has been on my mind almost constantly everyday. Feeling happy, then thinking about him, I instantly feel guilty and shameful. I feel for my Grandma back at home, my mom, her siblings (Aunt & Uncle), I worry about my cousins and how they are coping, I think about how friends of Grandpa's may be feeling, students, fellow family, and what they think about everything. It's a bizarre moment when you find out someone most dear to you has passed. I can't even describe the hurt I felt: instant sadness and confusion. This is the first close person that has passed away in my life so the whole thing seemed surreal and shocking.

I was at work when my mom called me to tell me the news. My boyfriend came straight from his work and picked me up after my manager had called to tell him. (I couldn't really speak at the time...) I didn't feel like going home right away so we went to a park and just sat in silence. He was next to me, told me to feel whatever I was feeling, cry, talk, stay quiet and we could stay there as long as I wanted. I remember looking around at the city - the buses still moving, the cars switching lanes, people holding hands and laughing with lunchboxes in their hands, the horn of the train passing by so loud like normal and I was just there. In the middle of all of it - wondering why the world wasn't stopping all together. I was almost angry.

Questions flooded my mind:

"Why are people still going about their day?"

"Do people not get what's going on?"
"Can that train just shut up!?"

I honestly pictured the world rotating around and just...life passing by, moving on. I have such mixed emotions of moving on because I don't want Grandpa to think I'm happy or glad by any means that he isn't here with us. Knowing Grandpa Dan I know he would want me to stay positive, continue doing what makes me happy, achieve and make goals, do well for myself!

I wrote a mini eulogy on facebook for him. At first I wasn't sure I wanted to post anything on social media. After coming across other facebook status' from fellow students I went to high school he coached and taught talking about MY GRANDFATHER I knew I wanted my bit to be heard. After all, they don't know him like I KNOW HIM! Yes I was feeling defensive. I think for the most part the eulogy was well received.

Facebook Eulogy

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To a man many consider a teacher, coach, friend, role model, inspiration, family and to me my hero and incredible grandpa. He had a way with people, being able to connect with them in unique ways and have a personal relationship with each and every person he met. He loved the starting line just as much as the bench warmers, he appreciated the cheerleaders, thanked the fans, and was there to root f...or everyone's success. When I was growing up (still am...) he always "took me into his office" (an imaginary room with two chairs in the middle of a family party) to check-in, hear how I was, get the "game plan" for what's next in Jessica's life always ending each "meeting" with an "I'm proud of you, that sounds like a great idea," rooting for me, loving me. He was an amazing listener, and made me realize men actually CAN listen, they are out there, so I always kept that in mind thanks to him. The most modest man I've ever met, I can hear him now..."Put all this shit away and go get some work done, but thank you." As I sit here 5,000 miles away from Modesto I feel sad and weird (for lack of a better word) but family has an amazing power to make you feel closer to home and that has been something I'm truly appreciative for.

Grandpa Dan is loved by many, and I choose to use present tense cause, damn it, this guy is leaving a huge legacy and will be honored forever for everything he did in Stanislaus county, sports, Modesto, etc. etc. the list goes on and on. Cheers to a great man - I will miss those "meetings" in "his office" and this whole thing will be hard as hell, but I'm choosing to live on and do great things just as he would want me to.

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As I go through my days I see myself going the extra mile at work, conscience of being kind and considerate to others, making others laugh even when I'm not in the best mood, taking extra care in listening to others and paying attention. I think this is because I have an inside look to how special life is. Grandpa Dan wouldn't want me to hide out at home, be sad, feel down, and just...waste time. As I said in my eulogy I really can here him say Cut the shit and get back to work, let's go team! Maybe even with the blow of a whistle...I meannn he was a coach for 50+ years. He was an absolutely amazing person and I still view him as a role model. There are no rules to who and what a role model can be so damn it, he's still mine.

Life does move on, but that doesn't mean that person is gone. You will always have that person near and dear to your heart. His advice - I will always hear in my head. 

I have a card from him and my Grandma on my desk at work, given to me on my college graduation. Inside is a written note from him I will forever keep. His hug I can still feel and hear his mumble, "Get your other hand around here, no one-handed hugs are accepted here." His smell is still there in my mind. His latest "find" at the school gym locker room lost and found will always be a hot topic at family parties. My favorite Grandpa Dan locker find: He came in with, no joke, a neon lime green FUBU vest. Hilarious. We asked him if he knew what that brand stood for, he responded with, "It stands for warmth in the cold months."

I miss him so much, and still feel a little guilty about feeling happy lately. But I feel him around, and know it will always stay that way. I do find comfort in that.

What are your thoughts on this?

How did you go about handling life after loosing a loved one?